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Conversationalist
Posts: 7
Registered: ‎07-26-2008

Re: Grief

Message 11 of 19 (1,148 Views)

Thank you Jane for your kind reply.  I do think finding someone to talk to other than my psychiatrist  would be a good idea.  My psychiatrist does do therapy and does tell me most of the things you said.  The find a guy thing was I guess a  last ditch effort to help. I was raised in a Jewish family but my father was abusive to my mother and their four children.  It was horrible.  And isolating. All of my siblings have emotional issues as a result.  I don't feel comfortable in synogogues.  They remind me of my childhood isolation and my hypocritical parents.  I think I really need to find a group that supports PTSD.  I feel crippled inside.  Unsafe.  I used to be interested in lots of things.  But my husband's horrible death I think was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I've been in grief support groups online for women who lost their  husband's to cancer.  But all of them had happy marriages, so I don't really relate.  I have a hard time being around other people and seeing them with their friends and families, because I never had that, and it's painful to watch.  This is getting depressing and I'm crying which isn't helpful, but cathartic.  So I'll close now.  Thanks again.

Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 226
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Grief

Message 12 of 19 (1,150 Views)
koshapiro wrote:

Hello JaneCares and others.  I'd like to participate in this group hoping it will help me deal with the pain I am stuck in after losing my husband of 25 years to lung cancer.  I'm not to tech savvy, so am using "reply" to someone else's post as I couldn't figure out how to start my own post.  I am an AARP member.  Do I have to register to be in this group?  The problem is I am just stuck in my grief, traumatized by witnesseing my husband suffer and die the most horrible death imaginable.  I am paralized it seems.  Since it's been 3 years, no one wants to talk about it anymore.  It was a long, unhappy marriage.  My husband was self-destructive and physically abusive.  I filed for divorce twice.  He was addicted to marijuana and cigarettes, and refused to stop or to buy life insurance.  Once his cancer metasitized I stepped up to the plate and took care of him.  He was abusive toward me during this time.  I had not expected to feel such grief for so long.  The best diagnosis I can give myself is post traumatic stress syndrom.  If I were a vet, I could maybe get help from the VA.  But I am not a VET.  I have no helpful family or friends.  I am under the care of a psychiatrist and on medication.  His advice is to find another man.  After my horrible marriage and witnessing my husband's horrible death, finding another man has little appeal.  Thanks for listening.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Hi K!  I'm glad you wrote. There is no need to register, since you already registered to be part of any of our online discussion groups.  This is a bit of a quiet group but folks do read and i hope that others besides me will add their voices.

 

I am very sorry about what happened to you: the domestic violence, the witnessing of a horrible death, the months and now years feeling parallyzed.  i am glad you have a psychiatrist. i don't know what i'd do without my antidepressant.  let me ask you a few questions. As they say in AA and Alanon, take what you like and leave the rest: 

 

I wonder if you could find another therapist to talk to besides that psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are able to prescribe medicine and some of them are also good therapists. But i wonder if there might be someone else. The advice to find another man seems, well, inappropriate. If you could find someone who is familiar with domestic violence victims, that would help. I agree, it sounds like you have PTSD. 

 

I also hope for you that you find friends or family or a community of people, perhaps a place of worship or a volunteer crew or something, to reduce your isolation. You say you have friends and family who aren't any help. But perhaps with some good coaching, one or more might actually come through for you. And hard as it is to make friends, it might be worth your while to try. 

 

Is there a women's shelter nearby? Perhaps they have counseling or a support group. In some ways, since he's gone and you aren't being victimized anymore, you could be a real support to other women in the group.

 

On another note, do you have any interests that might bring you out to see other folks, and leave behind some of this heaviness? I knit and crochet like a maniac, and i find great comfort in knitting with other women. (i've taught a few men but they are rare.)  Or a garden club. Or a wood working group. I know a young woman who teaches other women how to weld!  SOMETHING that would help you take your mind off what's going on inside your help. 

 

Do you have any interest or background in a particular faith tradition?  Shapiro is sometimes a jewish name. If you haven't been to services in a while, perhaps a nice reform synagogue might be a welcoming place.

 

i'm just thinking outloud, really.

 

when i have been stricken with grief, it was over my parents one at a time and a nephew who died too young. i have found the grief to be all encompassing at first and then it fades somewhat but could still sweep me into a pile of tears without notice. Since it's been a while for you since his horrible death, i'm thinking that what you might be strugling with is a sense of purpose. does that make any sense?

 

say more? write more?

 

i do hope that 2017 brings more joy into your life.

 

Jane

Conversationalist
Posts: 7
Registered: ‎07-26-2008

Re: Grief

Message 13 of 19 (1,161 Views)

Hello JaneCares and others.  I'd like to participate in this group hoping it will help me deal with the pain I am stuck in after losing my husband of 25 years to lung cancer.  I'm not to tech savvy, so am using "reply" to someone else's post as I couldn't figure out how to start my own post.  I am an AARP member.  Do I have to register to be in this group?  The problem is I am just stuck in my grief, traumatized by witnesseing my husband suffer and die the most horrible death imaginable.  I am paralized it seems.  Since it's been 3 years, no one wants to talk about it anymore.  It was a long, unhappy marriage.  My husband was self-destructive and physically abusive.  I filed for divorce twice.  He was addicted to marijuana and cigarettes, and refused to stop or to buy life insurance.  Once his cancer metasitized I stepped up to the plate and took care of him.  He was abusive toward me during this time.  I had not expected to feel such grief for so long.  The best diagnosis I can give myself is post traumatic stress syndrom.  If I were a vet, I could maybe get help from the VA.  But I am not a VET.  I have no helpful family or friends.  I am under the care of a psychiatrist and on medication.  His advice is to find another man.  After my horrible marriage and witnessing my husband's horrible death, finding another man has little appeal.  Thanks for listening.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 226
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Grief

Message 14 of 19 (1,157 Views)

hr2 wrote:
Hello Nancy,Thank you for your inspiring words about losing your husband. Mine died almost two years ago and I still miss him. I visit with my neighbors and go to an excellent begreavement group(lovejoy Hospice)here in Grants Pass,Oregon. I go on Mondays to the begreavement group. Thank you again for your kind words. Heidi Rousseau,Grants Pass,Oregon

Hi there, Heidi~!  I'm so glad you wrote and shared your positive experience with bereavement support group there in Grants Pass. I'm east of you near Lakeview. We have a hospice here, too. Hospices usually have a bereavement group and they are open to the public even if your loved one didn't have hospice services at the end of life. I'm also glad to hear that it meets weekly. There must be good quality leadership. I'm glad.

 

I think you'll always miss your husband. He lives in your memories. I hope that Christmas was okay. Sometimes the second Christmas after the loss is easier to get through than the first one.

 

Thank you for writing, Heidi, and all the best in the new year.

 

Jane,

a huge believer in groups

hr2
Conversationalist
Posts: 8
Registered: ‎07-06-2015

Re: Grief

Message 15 of 19 (1,161 Views)
Hello Nancy,Thank you for your inspiring words about losing your husband. Mine died almost two years ago and I still miss him. I visit with my neighbors and go to an excellent begreavement group(lovejoy Hospice)here in Grants Pass,Oregon. I go on Mondays to the begreavement group. Thank you again for your kind words. Heidi Rousseau,Grants Pass,Oregon
Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Grief

Message 16 of 19 (1,900 Views)

Thank you for posting, jwc, so many feel just as you do. Astraea has excellent advice in looking for other widows and grieving people. It must seem so very strange to have your identity as wife/companion/helper/caregiver and VOICE completely upended by your husband's absence. 

 

Your grief is still very fresh and new. When people are part of a home hospice program, the free bereavement support lasts THROUGH the 13th month because that first anniversary is often very painful. Bereavement programs are almost always available to anyone in the community who has suffered a loss. It may feel like a huge leap into the unknown to contact one of these groups but, if you step out on faith that something good will happen, i think you'll find company and solace.

 

I also hope that you will eventually live into your next chapter. That you will find purpose and eventually, joy. Patience is so hard. But purpose and joy are his legacy to you. I believe that.

 

How are you these days? It's been a couple of weeks since you posted...

 

Jane

Bronze Conversationalist
Posts: 21
Registered: ‎08-04-2016

Re: Grief

Message 17 of 19 (1,900 Views)

I am so sorry to know of the loss of your husband, of so many years! But isn't that time you had together in itself a joy?...Hold on to that, the memory of all those years of love and companionship. He is still with you, really, in all your habits, surroundings, memory. I think someone wrote a poem, that grief is a thing with feathers, or something like that, and if you look at a bird, with its feathers, they are beautiful but not tangible. ....I hope you will get out and about, meet some friends, take up a new interest -- such as journaling, exercise, maybe travel to some lovely place and walk and rest. Read, talk, and listen. In my own experience, writing has been a way  to connect with my mother and father again, who I still miss dearly. In writing my memoir, editing it, re-reading it, talking about it, I feel close to them. Writing is a pathway to understanding our feelings, and I hope you will take a look at the way I walked that path with my Dad in my memoir. All the best to you and those wonderful memories.

Nancy Nau Sullivan, Author, THE LAST CADILLAC: A MEMOIR
Treasured Social Butterfly
Posts: 19,390
Registered: ‎12-25-2011

Re: Grief

[ Edited ]
Message 18 of 19 (1,970 Views)

I strongly recommend that you look for a bereavement support group in your area! Many houses of worship, senior centers & other community groups have 6 - 8 week programs that are free or at minimal cost. They'll have a trained facilitator & reading material, to take participants thru the stages of grief, and there's great emotional value in sharing personal stories!

 

They may suggest exercises where you think about the activities you enjoyed, before your loved one became ill. Some of these support groups foster long-term friendships; 2 of my best friends met thru a bereavement group they both attended years ago.


Registered on Online Community since 2007!
Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎12-12-2011

Grief

Message 19 of 19 (1,972 Views)

I lost my husband of 55 yrs on April 9th 2016. I was his caregiver for several years. He had a stroke at only 48 years old, that was in 1988, he pretty much recovered from the stroke except for his speech, for the last 26 years I was his voice.  The last 6 years I was his complete caregiver. I don't know how to live without him!  I was 15 when I started dating John and we've been together ever since. Dementia takes its toll on every member of the family, but especially the caregiver. I miss him so 

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