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Conversationalist

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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Message 11 of 29

I will definitely pray for you and keep you in my thoughts. The one thing I continue to hold onto is that people have felt exactly as we do since time began but somehow they have gotten through this horrible time. I know you and I will do the same. 

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Conversationalist

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

2,140 Views
Message 12 of 29

Thank you so much for passing on these words of wisdom. 

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Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

2,140 Views
Message 13 of 29

Two good bits of advice I received, so I will pass it along:

 

First, keep busy! You can not dwell on your loss. Emerse yourself into your work or, even better, a hobby.

 

Second, set no deadlines. Never think you should be over it by now; If you still need a good cry 5 years later, go with it. It may help you find some peace.

 

Don't be too proud to seek help with coping. Best wishes. 

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Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

1,569 Views
Message 14 of 29

sc67503233 wrote:

I LOST MY HUSBAND 17 MONTH AGO AND IT STILL HURT , I AM A LONG AND AFRAID OF THE KILLING AND STAELING IT IS SO HARD TO LIVE WITH OUT HIM I WISH I COULD LIVE WITH SOME ONE I HAVE NO FAMILY SO I AM ALONG. MY FUNDS DO NOT REACH SO I AM SHORT EVERY MONTH. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. I HAVE YET TO GO THROUGH XMAS.


Hi there, I'm so sorry you lost your husband.  You feel so alone, that is very clear, and very painful. Please tell me, do you belong to a church or other worship community? If so, that is a place to reach out to others, even if you simply volunteer for a coffee hour or something, to fix the coffee not to buy it... perhaps the church has a christmas dinner, or the pastor can put you in touch with a member of the community who tends to welcome people.  Another idea is to find out which places in town have a free dinner for homeless people, and to volunteer there. You will meet other people, and feel useful. Since you are short every month on cash, have you applied for some help? if you are over 60, you are probably eligible for all kinds of help: food stamps (called SNAP), utility assistance (called LIHEAP), and maybe other sources of help.

 

I can imagine that you are concerned about crime (stealing and killing), and it must be terrible to feel so afraid. I hope you live in a home that you can secure with locks. Do you have a dog? I know that sometimes i am irrationally afraid no matter how many precautions i take. I hope you can get through this holiday season and not feel so alone.

 

please write more?

 

there is another community here just for grief, aarp.org/griefcommunity  if you want to post there, too, but its fine to post here only.

 

you are in my prayers. 

 

Jane

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Info Seeker

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

1,541 Views
Message 15 of 29

I'm 63 years old and my husband passed away 12/31/2015 from acute myeloid leukemia at 56 years old. We had only been married for 6 years, so we were essentially newlyweds! He was the love of my life and I thought we were going to grow old together. I also thought since he was 6 years younger than me, he would be the one to take care of me when I got "old."

My husband passed away 8 months from the time he was diagnosed. He went through 5 rounds of aggressive chemo, and throughout, he was very positive and upbeat. My husband had a very strong faith in God and I believe that faith helped him, it helped me to stay upbeat around him, even though I would breakdown when I left his hospital room! 

My husband had got tired of the frequent hospital admissions and 2 days before Christmas 2016 he was not feeling his best. We went to the cancer clinic for lab work and it wasn't good. We spent Christmas Day together and the day after Christmas he agreed to return to the hospital, his last admission. He was put on hospice and passed away New Year's Eve morning.

I'm not looking forward to Christmas or New Year but I know God has walked with me this whole time and He continues to do so. All I can say is if you do not belong to a faith based church, try to find one. I find reading scripture and praying to God helps to give me peace and acceptance of my husband passing. 

I just finished a 13 week Griefshare program at a church close to me. You can google "Griefshare " they have a lot of support groups all over the world and they're inexpensive. I found sharing my grief experience with others who have gone through what I have, healing. Unless you have lost a husband or someone close to you, you cannot really understand the pain, the loneliness, the empty house!

We all experience grief differently and I hope this helps someone on their journey to healing. 

I take one day at a time, that's all I can do. Looking too far ahead creates stress for me so I'd rather be stress free and find joy in today.

 

 

 

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Info Seeker

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

1,516 Views
Message 16 of 29

I LOST MY HUSBAND 17 MONTH AGO AND IT STILL HURT , I AM A LONG AND AFRAID OF THE KILLING AND STAELING IT IS SO HARD TO LIVE WITH OUT HIM I WISH I COULD LIVE WITH SOME ONE I HAVE NO FAMILY SO I AM ALONG. MY FUNDS DO NOT REACH SO I AM SHORT EVERY MONTH. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. I HAVE YET TO GO THROUGH XMAS.

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Info Seeker

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

1,580 Views
Message 17 of 29

I lost my mom in April of pancreatic cancer. 12 days from diagnosis to her death in hospice. At the same time we found out my husband had stage 4 esophageal cancer.  He had just retired in December. Since I was the one with many health problems, I always thought that I would be the first to go even though he was 9 years older than me.  He went through 6 courses of chemo and we thought that he was doing so well.  Suddenly in June he became dizzy, nauseous and became very weak. The doctor tried giving him extra fluids to see if that would work.  We thought that he had just hit that "brick wall" of chemo and his body just needed to recover.  The last day he was home, he was so weak that I had to call the paramedics to take him to the hospital for what we thought was just for more fluids.  When we left the house, something told me that this was the last time he would be home.  When he was in the ER, they did a CT scan just to make sure that there was nothing physical going on.  They moved him to his room and we were just waiting for the results of the scan.  When the doctor came in he dropped a bomb on us.  The cancer had metastasized to his liver and lungs.  The lymph nodes had also increased in size.  It turned out that all the chemo did was to decrease the size of the tumor at the end of the esophagus.  They also did a MRI which showed a golf ball size tumor in his brain that was not associated with the esophageal cancer and they were 98% sure it was benign.  When his oncologist came in he told us that there was nothing else they could do and it was time to consider hospice.  He went to the same hospice my mom had died in just 3 months before.  He entered the hospital on June 22nd and died on July 11th in hospice.  I was at his bedside 24/7 for the last 5 days of his life.  The nurse woke me and told me that he had passed between when she had checked him at 6AM and when she came back in at 7:30AM.  I was asleep when he passed on, but at least I was next to him.  He died 2 weeks to the day before our 40th wedding anniversary.  I still have not had time to grieve either of their deaths.  A week after my mom's funeral, dad was in ICU with a blood clot around his heart that the doctor said he never should have survived.  The 2 of us are going to move to another state to start over.  If not for my dog and my dad, I wouldn't have a reason to even get out of bed.  When does the fog and numbness go away?  I don't even know where the tears come from anymore.  Thanksgiving was very hard and I know that Christmas will be hard if not harder.

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Info Seeker

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

1,592 Views
Message 18 of 29

I lost my husband 10 years ago and it still is painful. It has lessened over time.

We were married 44 years. Only someone who has been through this can understand . Your children  can't, even though they say they do. I still feel so alone 

even with having  a part time job. It's there when I come home. I have sought help and all I have done is talk and the Doctor listened  ,and took my money. I don't feel any better. I have found to go walking in the fresh air is as good as anything else you can do. The Holidays bring too many memories. 

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Conversationalist

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

1,806 Views
Message 19 of 29

Everyone's journey in grief and healing is different.  My husband passed away at only 56 after contracting an infection in the hospital, following a fall.  It was very difficult to find myself as a 55 year old widow with a 15 year old son.  I found support in a hospice run bereavement group for relatively young widows and widowers.  Not only was the therapeutic discussion series helpful but I met a friend.  She and I have become very close.  We have gone places together and enjoyed each other's company even as we've each struggled to recover from our loss.  My husband left a diary behind and when I read it, I feel as if he is next to me, talking.  He and I enjoyed 27 years of a wonderful marriage.  We raised two brilliant sons (the older one was 24 when my husband died).  I try real hard not to think of "should haves, would haves, could haves" because that's just not helpful.  Instead, I concentrate on positive memories of all the good times we shared.  I also realize how much I have grown in terms of my perspective on life and what's really important about people.  As a result of my experiences, I feel I am stronger.  I think I could offer others more now if and when I choose to enter new relationships, with males or females.  I am still working full-time which is good because it keeps my mind busy.  When I retire, I will decide how much time I wish to spend volunteering to help others.  My husband died just over three years ago.  I could not have been this coherent right after his death so I suppose life gets easier with time.  To those in mourning, I wish you the best of luck with your own healing process.

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Info Seeker

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

2,161 Views
Message 20 of 29

WOW,  I know how everyone feels, I lost my Mom in 2012 she was 83 and I lost my Husband in 2014 he was only 64 we were married go 29 years. He had leukemia that he got from Agent Orange during the Vietnam War.   These two loses are very hard for me more so this time of year.  I try and be happy.  I have no to turn anymore.  Yes I have children and Grandchildren, but it's not the same.   I keep waiting for him to walk in the room and tell me everything will be okay. 

Tisia Y Sims
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