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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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n825542d wrote:
I lost my husband 20 months ago to leukemia at age 56. It was devastating, it still is. I look at his photos, all with a big smile that lit up a room, and still can't believe he's actually not here anymore!
After my husband died I attended Griefshare meetings at a church close to my home. The sharing with others who had lost loved ones like me helped me to put my loss into perspective. I still miss him every single day, I have my moments when I feel all alone and I'm reminded God walks with me every minute of the day.
Griefshare has meetings all over the US, they're very inexpensive and you can attend as many meetings as you need to after the initial fee. I've kept in touch with some of the ladies I met at the Griefshare meetings. It also doesn't matter how long ago your loss was, if you never come to terms with your grief it will continue to be a burden.
I realize grief is something we must continue to live with, we absorb it, make adjustments and accept a new normal.
If you "google " Griefshare, you will find meetings at a church close to you. Hopefully you will reach out and find healing for yourself, you deserve that. I will always have an ache in my heart for my husband, for what could have been. God knew best and I accept His Will for my life.

Thank you for sharing your story, the information about Griefshare, and your faith as well. Somehow, grief teaches us all deep lessons, even though we would never wish the pain of grief on anyone including ourselves.

 

i found this article on the web and felt it is wise enough to share: https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/10668-the-one-thing-no-one-ever-says-about-grieving?utm_source=...

 

Take care,

Jane

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Conversationalist

Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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Thank you so much for your help.
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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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Message 3 of 29
I lost my husband 20 months ago to leukemia at age 56. It was devastating, it still is. I look at his photos, all with a big smile that lit up a room, and still can't believe he's actually not here anymore!
After my husband died I attended Griefshare meetings at a church close to my home. The sharing with others who had lost loved ones like me helped me to put my loss into perspective. I still miss him every single day, I have my moments when I feel all alone and I'm reminded God walks with me every minute of the day.
Griefshare has meetings all over the US, they're very inexpensive and you can attend as many meetings as you need to after the initial fee. I've kept in touch with some of the ladies I met at the Griefshare meetings. It also doesn't matter how long ago your loss was, if you never come to terms with your grief it will continue to be a burden.
I realize grief is something we must continue to live with, we absorb it, make adjustments and accept a new normal.
If you "google " Griefshare, you will find meetings at a church close to you. Hopefully you will reach out and find healing for yourself, you deserve that. I will always have an ache in my heart for my husband, for what could have been. God knew best and I accept His Will for my life.
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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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I lost my husband to early onset Alzheimer's AND posterior cortical atrophy (aka, Benson's Disease) 6 years ago. He was diagnosed at age 56. He was the love of my life and I was the light of his. We married when I was 33 and he was 40 - the first marriage for both of us. We were "waiting for the perfect match". 

He was brilliant. A medical degree and a computer degree. Worked in a hospital and big corporations, traveling often. We loved music - he had a wonderful voice. He was a marathon runner and we were up at 6 am every weekend for a 10k. Most days he ran 6 miles. 

We always held hands. I remember him reaching out for mine every time we crossed a road or a parking lot. He always opened the car door for me (I never asked or expected him to.) Every night we had dinner with candles and music at an actual dining room table. We laughed so hard because we were the same. 

He was an Adonis look-alike. Thick, dark hair all the women couldn't help but touch. A model's face with a Warren Beatty dimple in his chin. And those clear BLUE eyes! He could flash a smile on command that would drive you insane with envy. 

Everyone loved my husband. He was so highly valued by the companies he worked for, so highly respected by all our friends. 

Now "I'm learning to live half a life".

He is at this moment lying in a hospital bed in our living room. Totally cared for in every way by 24/7 caregivers. I sleep alone. I cry every day. Especially when I see couples young and old holding hands at the mall or crossing the street. All our Christmas traditions blind me when I remember them. 

He is still the most brilliant, beautiful man I know - and ever will. I've stood by him, and he takes my breath away. 

(To all you out there grieving the "lost" of a loved one, Anticipatory Death is real; and it precedes the actual loss, which must be endured anew. I have yet to accept counseling or medications, but it can feel like you are losing your mind. The grief is indescribable to those not experiencing it. Every day my beloved dies. And so goes my soul.)

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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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           I also lost my husband a year ago to a 100% service connected condition.  He was 65 and served during the Viet Nam war.  I was married to him for 32 years and I wear his wedding ring next to mine.   It is overwhelming emotionally, but as you are aware, it gets better as time goes on.  If you are not aware, there is a FB group for spouses whose husbands have or passed away from conditions caused by Agent Orange and/or served during the Viet Nam war.  God Bless.

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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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I urge anyone who is suffering from the loss of their spouse or any other loved one to get grief counseling. I lost my husband in 2013 after a 2 year battle with cancer, and I was totally devastated.  I found a bereavement counseling group, and it started me on a road to healing. I still miss him every day and still cry over my loss, but now I can function much better. We were encouraged to keep in touch with the group, and have reached out to others. The people I met through counseling have become good friends, and they truly do understand. It takes time, but you will get through the all-consuming grief you first experience. May you find peace.

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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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ttenpenny53 wrote:

WOW,  I know how everyone feels, I lost my Mom in 2012 she was 83 and I lost my Husband in 2014 he was only 64 we were married go 29 years. He had leukemia that he got from Agent Orange during the Vietnam War.   These two loses are very hard for me more so this time of year.  I try and be happy.  I have no to turn anymore.  Yes I have children and Grandchildren, but it's not the same.   I keep waiting for him to walk in the room and tell me everything will be okay. 


Tisia, bless you for sharing your story. Darn Agent Orange and the vietnam war. I'm glad you had 29 years and i wish you had so many  more years of joy. i hope you have a sense of his loving presence which certainly lives in your memories. i hope you can get through the Christmas season and wait for Spring with a bit more hope, a bit more joy.

 

Jane

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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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Message 8 of 29

 


ba9872 wrote:

I lost my husband 10 years ago and it still is painful. It has lessened over time.

We were married 44 years. Only someone who has been through this can understand . Your children  can't, even though they say they do. I still feel so alone 

even with having  a part time job. It's there when I come home. I have sought help and all I have done is talk and the Doctor listened  ,and took my money. I don't feel any better. I have found to go walking in the fresh air is as good as anything else you can do. The Holidays bring too many memories. 


Thank you for sharing your experience. Your pain after 10 years shows just how hard it can be to lose a spouse. I was talking with a client (I am a therapist) the other day who said it feels like part of his body was amputated. Nothing feels right, nothing feels natural. He lost his wife 2 years ago. Here you are 10 years later.

 

I'm glad you have a part time job. I hope there are other activities that bring you joy even with the persistant sense of loss. I am a nut for crochet and knitting. I have way too much yarn. But it brings me joy, so there. What brings you joy? Your dog or cat?  Do you scrapbook or garden?  I hope there is something. You deserve joy.

 

Write more?

 

Jane

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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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Message 9 of 29

Dear beardie,

To lose your mother and your husband so close together is a terrible double whammy. I am so very sorry. You and your father have each other and that is a blessing indeed. But yes it's a good question: when does the numbness go away? It's too soon, and that is no comfort to you. I wish there was a way to make it go faster or easier. I've experienced my own grief over losing my parents, and i've worked with people going through their own grief in my role as a hospice social worker, cancer social worker, and now as a therapist. The only way out is through. Small comfort, i know.

 

I wonder if your father and yourself might want to wait a little bit before moving? It is of course your decisions together to make. But there might be a familiarity about where you have been living that is comforting? People you know together and separately? Or on the other hand perhaps you both want a change of scene, as there are so many memories where you are now, of your mother/his wife, and your husband/his son in law. Perhaps moving within the same area?  I would just hate to hear from you that you regret moving and miss the familiar parts of what you left behind. Just a thought.

 

You were present and loving and attentive, caring and careful and helpful. And now, the universe can take care of you for a bit. Can you buy yourself a therapeutic massage? Go to a hot spring or a spa?  Can you afford to treat yourself and a friend, or your dad, to a special dinner? (I'm a real sucker for filet mignon.)  There is good advice here about staying busy, and it is also true that allowing yourself the room to feel what you feel, and cancel plans or choose against doing something you don't feel like doing. Try not to isolate. But you don't owe anything to anybody if you want to take a time out. You are in mourning. It is in some ways a full time job.

 

there is another group here that is specific to grief at aarp.org/griefcommunity. just in case.

 

i hope you know that your mother was lucky to have you as a daughter, and your husband lucky to have 40 years of life and love with you.

 

take care of yourself in all seriousness. glad you wrote. write more?

Jane

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Re: Coping with the death of my spouse.

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Message 10 of 29

n825542d wrote:

I'm 63 years old and my husband passed away 12/31/2015 from acute myeloid leukemia at 56 years old. We had only been married for 6 years, so we were essentially newlyweds! He was the love of my life and I thought we were going to grow old together. I also thought since he was 6 years younger than me, he would be the one to take care of me when I got "old."

My husband passed away 8 months from the time he was diagnosed. He went through 5 rounds of aggressive chemo, and throughout, he was very positive and upbeat. My husband had a very strong faith in God and I believe that faith helped him, it helped me to stay upbeat around him, even though I would breakdown when I left his hospital room! 

My husband had got tired of the frequent hospital admissions and 2 days before Christmas 2016 he was not feeling his best. We went to the cancer clinic for lab work and it wasn't good. We spent Christmas Day together and the day after Christmas he agreed to return to the hospital, his last admission. He was put on hospice and passed away New Year's Eve morning.

I'm not looking forward to Christmas or New Year but I know God has walked with me this whole time and He continues to do so. All I can say is if you do not belong to a faith based church, try to find one. I find reading scripture and praying to God helps to give me peace and acceptance of my husband passing. 

I just finished a 13 week Griefshare program at a church close to me. You can google "Griefshare " they have a lot of support groups all over the world and they're inexpensive. I found sharing my grief experience with others who have gone through what I have, healing. Unless you have lost a husband or someone close to you, you cannot really understand the pain, the loneliness, the empty house!

We all experience grief differently and I hope this helps someone on their journey to healing. 

I take one day at a time, that's all I can do. Looking too far ahead creates stress for me so I'd rather be stress free and find joy in today.

 

 

 


Thank you so much for sharing your story and about your benefitting from the Griefshare program. That is a terrific resource, one that everyone should know about.  Leukemia sucks. It usually means that folks need to stay in the hospital instead of going home because of all that fear of infection and all.(I used to be a social worker on a cancer unit.)   I'm so very sorry. Yes you were newlyweds!

 

I'm glad you have such a strong faith. this holiday season will be tough for everyone who grieves, and i hope that your faith will make it less painful. Or at least that the excruciating moments don't last quite so long. Argh. So much loss and sadness.

 

I hope you feel surrounded by love despite the quietness that should be filled with a joyful noise.

 

bless you, and feel free to write more. oh by the way if you get a chance you could share your wisdom about griefshare on aarp.org/griefcommunity which is specifically for grieving people to meet and share. your wisdom might be especially needed there.

 

Jane

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