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Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 36
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 61 of 278 (2,381 Views)

That is the problem husband WILL NOT let me take control of the bills or household, This is why I am considering going to court for conservatorship or for a conservertor to be assigned then I can start to set boundaries for no acceptable behavior, stop being a forced enabker, a list of house hold chores with an amount do those chores you earn money. Basically he behaves like a child he gets treated like one he behaves like a man he gets treated like one.

GEH
Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 62 of 278 (2,322 Views)

Glad you wrote! Glad your dog is such a comfort! And, good for you for taking over the bills. I was a care manager for an old coot who gave away hundreds of dollars a month to horses, right wing politicians, and other non essentials!

 

How do you keep yourself in good spirits?

 

Jane

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 63 of 278 (2,232 Views)

geh66 wrote:

It is hard because it is not that he can't take care of him self it is that he won't and he has been as difficult as all get go last 2 days question us is it his mental health disirder, amoinia in his bilbrum going to his head or both how the hell am I supposed to figure it out.


Hey GEH,

 

If you slip him some lactulose, does it clear his head?

 

Sounds like the two of you are in a difficult conflicted set of struggles. In one sense, it doesn't matter if its his bipolar, his bilirubin, his ammonia levels. A big part of the struggle of taking care of a person like your husband is that there is a MIX of what is his willful non-cooperation, and what is his illness.  This is key. what is his choice to be a pain in the tuckus, and what behavior is beyond his control?  You can't blame him for what is beyond his control, and yet you can hold him accountable for the part that is his choice. Even if only 5% of his behavior is under his control, you can appeal to that.

 

Have you tried to "control" (or shape) his behavior with rewards and punishments, like you would a puppy or a toddler? Like, he throws a tantrum; you go take a walk with your dog and leave him to stew. He is considerate to you and takes his meds? Reward him (whatever works. Candy. A kiss. A shoulder rub.) 

 

Easier said than done. This is why i wish there was an Alanon meeting near you.

 

I am glad you have your dogs to comfort you.

 

Jane

Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 36
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 64 of 278 (2,270 Views)

I am representative payee to his social security benefits and want to take total control of the bill paying process not to control him undermine or diminish him in any way but to take stress off him but he WILL NOT let go at all in any way shape I am feeling the time has come to go for conservatorship 

GEH
Info Seeker
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎09-11-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 65 of 278 (2,333 Views)

Ling-Ling my Shar-pei is the Sunshine in my day. Without her I would not have any happiness. 

 

 

Info Seeker
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎09-11-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 66 of 278 (2,326 Views)

I am with you on this. I am 16 yrs younger. Everything I do is wrong. I have taken over bills and stopped the mail because he obsessed over politics and charities. Spending money on charities, donating to veterans, Animal sites, Erection Meds. He is in denial about his illness and blames everything on me. Even the stuff he orders on line. I sent back about 5 auto ship products last week. I still have to work. Haven't turned 60 yet. Friends don't want to be around us. I feel embarrassed and alone. 

Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 36
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 67 of 278 (2,325 Views)

It is hard because it is not that he can't take care of him self it is that he won't and he has been as difficult as all get go last 2 days question us is it his mental health disirder, amoinia in his bilbrum going to his head or both how the hell am I supposed to figure it out.

GEH
Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 36
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 68 of 278 (2,313 Views)

Have not been able to find one where I live and believe me I have tried.

GEH
Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 69 of 278 (2,315 Views)

geh66 wrote:

The liver doctor believed there is still health and life left in his liver if he would stay of Alcohol there is no telling how many years he would have but he will not stop drinking so I fear he will be gone by christmas. I fear he is in denial off his condition and addiction and had fallen into a depression and is giving up. I do not know how to reach him. 


That is so hard. For you to love him, and try to help him, and for him to be unable to help himself. People drink for all kinds of reasons, as a way of 'self medicating.' And alcoholism is a disease that does progress and get worse. Very hard to reverse. Very hard to quit drinking. Which doesn't mean that it's impossible to do.  

 

Have you ever gone to an Alanon meeting? They are the 12 step meetings for partners of people who are alcoholics. I went to a meeting for a year or so some time back, regarding my mother who was not even an alcoholic, but the philosophy of 'detachment' was really helpful ... How do you love someone who is self-destructing? You detach, and still love them. You are with them, but you are not consumed with guilt that you cannot seem to figure out how to rescue him or her. 

 

Does that make any sense?

 

It would be a free source of support. Just a thought. He is very lucky you are in his life.

 

Jane

Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 36
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 70 of 278 (2,310 Views)

My dogs are precious friends I do not know how I would cope without them. 

GEH