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Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 32
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 51 of 249 (1,148 Views)
My husband will NEVER willingly give me conservertorship I WILL have to go to get a lawyer and go to court to do it, That is one of or part of his mental health issues CONTROL, I chalk it up to the possibility he is feeling a sense of control of his life due to his mental health and subsequent addiction/Substance abuse issues. I am biding my time because I am feeling it is only a matter of time he ends up in hospital again and that is when I will act so that I can keep him in the hospital last time he was in hospital he left against doctors wishes.
GEH
Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 32
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 52 of 249 (1,154 Views)

My Husband has 2 sons in Washington State but they are in their early twenties and are just not able to be of help they are young and immature they younger one has 3 daughters the oldest of which is 3 and is struggling to cope with parent hood, my parents do not know that I am married to this man but are aware I am trying to help care for him and my mother is facing her own issues with my father who is in his eighties and showing signs of some kind of mental issue he forgets things misplaces things and swings from amgry to happy in a new york second she has her own health issue and is recovering from a broken hip so I choose not to burden her with my issues. I have searched and searched for some form of support group and there are none, I did find NAMI AIR and have the app on my cell phone so I can go there to talk sometimes when husband is sleeping good I go sit outside with my dogs Big Red (Mr Hugs) and Shorty (Mr Kissy) and just cry big red will get on his hind legs wrap his doggie arms around my neck pull my head into his chest and give me a bug huge bear hug, to which he ussually does not want to let go, then Shorty takes a turn giving me lots of wet doggie kisses so much doggie love Iam a luck lady and I tell them that and most times it helps. 

GEH
Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 53 of 249 (1,210 Views)

I recently came upon this article in the Washington Post: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2016/08/30/i-was-my-husbands-caregiver-as-he-wa...

 

Basically, this wife really poured heart and soul, and 7 years, into caring for her husband, first by heroically searching for a cure for his cancer, and then by caring for him as he declined and passed away. She found the clarity of purpose and nobleness of effort that I've heard other caregivers speak of.

 

I'm wondering how caring for someone with, say, dementia, is different. There are more years involved. The hope for improvement, (let alone cure) is elusive. The family dynamics are difficult: is there anyone else helping? Are there relatives who are not helping but nevertheless critical?

 

I wonder if anyone out here in aarp caregiving land feels the way this woman does and did? My hat's off to her. I do feel she is unusual, though.

 

Thoughts?

 

Jane

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 54 of 249 (1,229 Views)

geh66 wrote:

Thank you for your words  and there is s Nami in Dallas unfortunately I am just not able to get there and there are no other support groups in GP TX, I am concidering going for concervertorship over my husband and his financial and legal affairs, I hate to step on his independence but am concerned about drinking and liver disease my be having on his mental faculties he is already showing memory loss. 

 


Hi GEH. I'm so glad you replied!

 

The liver is an amazing organ that does regenerate. I do hope for both of your sakes' that there is recovery and improvement possible. I'm so glad to be proven wrong!

 

Have you consulted with an attorney? Have you talked to your husband about this? If he is able to CHOOSE to give you power of attorney over his finances, then all you need is power of attorney form signed by him and notarized, and the easiest place to do that is the bank where his accounts are. More than one bank if he has accounts in more than one place. Banks have notaries. Signed, notarized, done. Or, you can put your name on the accounts and make them joint. He has to sign that change on the account, also.

 

If you don't trust his recovery from alcohol drinking, then it's a whole 'nother ball game. You'd have to have 2 physicians document his lack of 'capacity' and then petition the court for guardianship. A little memory loss isn't going to do it. 

 

You've probably already figured this out. It IS complicated.

 

I wish you could get out to a group. Is there no one who can hang out with him while you're gone for a few hours? 

 

Your poem says it all. You are sad, and you cry. I'm glad you get it out. I wish for more for you, though, too. 

 

Keep writing...

 

Jane

Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 32
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 55 of 249 (1,220 Views)

Thank you so much, these days all I can think about is what will I do without him. I wrote this poem

I CRY

I cry 

For my husband

About my husband

Over my husband.

GEH
Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 32
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 56 of 249 (1,212 Views)

And I have the NAMI AIR app on my phone the liver doctor believes that there is still health and life left in his liver and he could have a reasonably long life if he stays off alcohol, liver doctor believes this because husband was so severely jaundice that the liver dr believed the jaundice would be permanent husband stopped drinking 3 months and the jaundice went away liver Dr was blown away.I also am concerned about depression because husband is always saying Ill be gone soon.

GEH
Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 32
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 57 of 249 (1,213 Views)

Thank you for your words  and there is s Nami in Dallas unfortunately I am just not able to get there and there are no other support groups in GP TX, I am concidering going for concervertorship over my husband and his financial and legal affairs, I hate to step on his independence but am concerned about drinking and liver disease my be having on his mental faculties he is already showing memory loss. 

 

GEH
Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 58 of 249 (1,244 Views)

g36565h wrote:

I am, he has intermittend explosive disorder with bipolar manic tendencies, Alcoholic Cirhosis of the liver, Alcoholic Hepatitus and Hepatic Eschemia, will go to doctors but not go for the MRI's etc that they need, will not take his psych meds and while he does take the meds for his liver he does not take them properly. Between trying to take care of husband, the dogs, the duplex and work I get no time for my self and I am about at my breaking point, I would file for diivorce but for,  I love him very much I do not know why he has no one else to care for him  and I do not see him being with me for christmas. I cannot help feel that I am 50 years old and life is too short for this. He is not a bad man that needs to get better he is a sick man that needs to get well. As a result of living with and trying to care for a person with mental health issues I have found a cause a dream, I want to go to Washington to speak to the powers that be in hopes to get them to put legislature in place that will put a stop to the destruction mentally ill individuals who refuse treatment bring to the llives of those who love and care for them and who are trting to care for them and protect thems from themselves. 

There are legal steps that people like me can take but is is a LONG and HARD legal road. Things must change the united states needs a new and better mental health care systems one that provides real treattment and real after care and real support for the people who a trying to care for an MI and be there support system. 


G,

You are so, so right! The care in the USA for people with mental illness is abysmal. I don't want to discourage you from advocating for change, but i do know that even congressmen with mentally ill sons have trouble getting good care. What i'm wondering is whether there is a NAMI group near you that you could attend for support. The National Alliance on Mental Illness provides free support groups as well as local advocacy. http://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI Has a 'find your group' feature in your state.

 

Meanwhile, you are aware that he isn't going to get better, although his quality of life can probably be improved some. But there are limits, right? So accepting, and taking care of your self, and enlarging your caregiving circle, are all SURVIVAL STRATEGIES for you, right?

 

I could be completely off base here.

 

I do want to say that i admire you. And i worry about you. And i hope there are some resources out there that support you. There should be a VILLAGE of support surrounding you, and that's what's missing in the ye olde individualistic US of A. But. There might be more resources than you are aware of?

 

Say more?

 

And a deep bow of respect to you for hanging in there, with him, and with yourself.

 

Jane

Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 32
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 59 of 249 (1,238 Views)

I am, he has intermittend explosive disorder with bipolar manic tendencies, Alcoholic Cirossis of the liver, Alsoholic Haptitus and Hepatic Echmia, will go to doctors but not go for the MRI's Ect that they need, will not take his pysc meds and while he does take the meds for his liver he does not take them properly. Between trying to take care of husband, the dogs thew duplex and work I get no time for my self and I am about at my breaking point, I would file for diivorce but for,  I love him very much I do not know why he hasno one else to care for him  and I do not see him being with me for christmas. I cannot help feel that I am 50 years old and life is too short for this. He is no a bad man that needs to get better he is a sick man that needs to get well.  As a result of living with and trying to care for a person with mental health issues I have found a cause a dream, I want to go to Washington to speak to the powers that be in hopes to get them to put legislature in place thatwill put a stop to the destruction mentally ill individuals who refuse treatment bring to the llives of those who love and care for them and who are trting to care for them and protect thems from themselves. 

There are legal steps that people like me can take but is is a LONG and HARD legal road. Things must change the united states needs a new and better mental health care systems one that provides real treattment and real after care and real support for the people who a trying to care for an MI and be there support system. 

GEH
Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 40
Registered: ‎07-14-2015

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 60 of 249 (1,238 Views)

Hi daffydoc2 I haven't been on the site in awhile so I just read your post.  The beginning stages of dementia are the hard for both of you.  Your loved one is scared because he knows something is wrong but doesn't know exactly what is wrong.  And like you said you are grieving because you know he's not himself.  I would like to suggest you enjoy this time with him.  Travel if you enjoy it, visit family, friends, go to favorite resturants, whatever you have been putting off do it NOW, if you can. I say this because you never know when he will become unable to walk or swallow or whatever and you won't be able to do these things.  Yes, you may need to make adaptations, or have someone else join you to help keep him safe but that's okay.  My husband is no longer able to walk greater than 5 feet, so he hasn't been out of the house in over a year.  I miss going for rides in the car with him, or even just sitting on the deck in the evening.  He usually is in bed by 5PM at the least because he's sleepy and more comfortable in bed.  I'm a firn believer of lettng him live as he would if he could just do what he wanted to, and I know him well enough to know what he likes and wants.  Yes, this disease is hard, yes, you will grieve every little loss he has.  But be happy for what he can do everyday.  And in order to do that you need to take care of you too.  You need to get your rest, eat well and get out of the house to do things you like without him.  If you don't have or need help yet, good for you but you may also want to start exploring what services are available in your area.  Talk with your husband's doctor abd ask about services or even a dementia specialist if your doctor isn't one already.

I know this is a lot of information and I do hope it's helpful.  Thank you for offering to be a listening ear, that meand a great deal to me.  Even though our friends know there are times I don't want to burden them with my daily anxieties, frustrations and concerns.  This site is wonderful for being able to share and feel support because others know what we are truly living!  I hope things are going along smoothly for you and your husband at the moment! Hang in There!  Till later!  Take Care!