Join AARP in Celebration of Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Nominate Someone for the AAPI Hero Award

Reply
Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 241 of 266 (3,485 Views)

Good evening, Grammarian,

 

I missed it: who said they were considering divorce?

 

You are hanging in there, that's for sure. Your husband is a lucky man.

 

Jane

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 242 of 266 (3,499 Views)

Hi there,

 

Hm, i'm thinking some sort of bribery... "if you, dear husband, takes a thorough bath, we can _______ [go do something special...] "

 

Do you think he'd be more willing if you hired a male aide to help him bathe, once or twice a week?

 

Can you afford one of those walk in bathtubs to be installed in one of the bathrooms?  Looks like a mini hot tub to me. A little googling and i found this: http://www.homeperfect.com/ariel-ezwt-3048-l-soaker-tubsandwhirlpools.html?ev_pid=ariezwt3048lsoaker...

 

I don't know what it is about bathing, but lots and lots of older people simply lose the desire for it.

 

Does he bathe himself? Perhaps he feels unsteady, and doesn't want you to know?  I think shower benches are a fabulous invention. Like this one.

 

Any other ideas out there, folks?

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 243 of 266 (3,500 Views)

Hi Grannie Courier,

 

Husband of 59 years? Wow. That is an accomplishment in and of itself.

 

I wonder if there is a way to distract both of you from the drudgery (and embarassment) of diaper changing. Pick some time, when he's clean and you're feeling pretty good, ask him to put baby oil on your back. Just touching each other can feel very intimate and relaxing. A way to connect that isn't too complicated. Or you can rub his feet with lotion while he's lying down on the couch. If all the touching is so 'functional', it's hard to feel cuddly and romantic at all.

 

I wonder if other folks have suggestions?

 

Thank you for sharing your concern. Let's see if other folks have any tips.

Info Seeker
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎02-08-2011

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 244 of 266 (3,522 Views)

You didn't state what type of illness your husband has. At any rate,.why would you consider a divorce? What happened to your vow "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?" My husband has dementia, and I would no more consider deserting him than he would consider deserting me if things were turned around. Again, you did not say what the problem is with your husband, but whatever it is, it is time for youl to stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of the man you vowed to love and to cheris until death do you part. 

Info Seeker
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎06-13-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 245 of 266 (3,608 Views)
Hi, tonight is my first time on the site. My husband has vascular dementia, which we just found out. He has been having trouble with his memory for over a year now. He does most of his sleeping durning the day. I find myself repeating the same answers over and over. Sometimes it bothers me more than other times. I do have the help of my daughter, thank goodness, but I have a hard time sharing some of my concerns with others. My main concern is his personal hygiene. He doesn't want to take showers, or change his clothes. If I talk to him about it, he says he doesn't understand why I have a problem with it. I've try to tell him, very nicely, that it bothers me because of the smell. I am at a loss on what else to try to get him to bath and change his clothes. I do lay out clean shirts, underwear, etc. for him. If I can smell his pants, I change them out to new ones.
Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎01-19-2011

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 246 of 266 (3,689 Views)

This is very new to me.  Talking to anyone in person &/or on line. My husband has had Parkinson's for the last 8 years which got complicated by a bout of pnemonia and a diagnosis of sever osteporosis both of which caused spinal fractures. There are good days and bad days. On a good day my husband of 59 years gets romantic but I have trouble thinking romantically after changing his diapers and/or bedding. No one talks about keeping up a romantic relationship while caring for a love one.

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 247 of 266 (4,205 Views)
"Too busy" is a cop out. Is there a very good friend who could make calls for you? It's demoralizing to hear that someone can't help you, so get a friend to ask. Make a list of what would help. Once a week mowing. Come by to sit with your spouse for two hours, even if all they do is watch tv together. That way you can get away for a couple of hours. What have you tried? Do you belong to a faith community? The pastor may have suggestions about how to recruit help from within the church, mosque or synagogue.
Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 248 of 266 (4,225 Views)

Hello there, husband of Ms. "I'm not driving anymore."

 

Keep coming to this site and posting. Be specific about what part of this craziness is the most crazy making. Maybe we can hack away at the frustrations together one by one.

 

SOooooOOOOooo many people with dementia deny that there is anything wrong with then. Convincing her that she needs help isn't going to work very well. However, you can still get help, hire help, delegate to others, all kinds of tasks that will give you a break and a breather.

 

It takes a village, composed of family & friend caregivers, and professional caregivers like doctors, home health aides, adult day program operators, social workers, et al, to keep a person with dementia safe and reasonably independent.

 

who can you call upon? do you have children? where are her friends. do you belong to a faith community. Tell us. The collective wisdom of the caregivers on this site can answer any question.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

 

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 249 of 266 (4,239 Views)

Dear ypgroce, aka wife of man dealing with Parkinson's

 

Yes he needs a vacation from Parkinsons, but...I am so glad to hear you're taking care of yourself by working out. Physical exercise is the best thing you can do for body mind and spirit. I hope you don't give that up, regardless of how tough it is.

 

Has he ever seen a speech therapist? There may be other devices, including a word board, that might be less frustrating for him and more audible for you.

 

Anyone else you can ask to spell you/ keep him company/ accompany him to something fun like a movie/ etc etc.

 

Parkinson's, and all of these illnesses, are family diseases, that's for sure.

 

Keep sharing!

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 250 of 266 (4,297 Views)

[[[[[[[ HUG ]]]]]]]