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Info Seeker
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎05-17-2017

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 1 of 264 (122 Views)

I understand what you are going through.  Life can be cruel, not only for us, but for our spouse's and family members.  What we need to know is that life will get better at some point.  I send healing thoughts your way.

Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎12-07-2012

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 2 of 264 (137 Views)

I am 54 years old and have been caretaking for my husband for the past three years.  He had a severe stroke and heart attack.  I was told by the social worker that I could apply for help through medicaid but they would come after my house for payment if he passed.  That's another story to tell at a later time.  At present, I shower him, dress him, take and record his blood pressure; prepare medications take him to all his doctor appointments, exercise him daily, change his bed daily, empty urine, clean constantly, wash constantly - the list goes on and on and I have no help.  What is really bothering me is why I can't get licensed as a caretaker by experience.  I don't mind paying for the license itself, but I don't need to take classes.  If anything, I should be teaching classes.  AM I the only one with this issue? 

Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 167
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 3 of 264 (153 Views)

l536249b wrote:

Hi, my name is Linda and I have been a caregiver to my husband for the past 44 yrs, but a health caregiver for the past 3 yrs. My husband suffered a massive Aphasia left brain stroke in November 2014. Both of our lives changed forever that fateful day. My life has went from being independent, outgoing and pretty happy and healthy to what I consider Hell on Earth.  He has physical limitations due to Spinal Stenosis, but the main caregiving is a result of his stroke.  His personality has changed 180 degrees.  He is very angry and he ONLY takes his anger out on me. To everyone else he puts up a front as if he is the kindest person around.  I am his one and only caregiver and expected to do everything for him. With the exception of dressing and bathing him. He is depressed which would account for a small portion of his anger. For those who are unaware depression is anger turned inwards. I need help as I feel lost, hopeless, helpless and certainly unloved. Anyone else dealing with a spouse with the same or similar symptoms /conditions and how do you survive?  I have no one to confide in and absolutely no help from our 4 children . I would love to be able to speak with anyone, either man or woman dealing with caregiving. Thank you 


Hi Linda. "Hell" is most unpleasant, and has the additional quality of being 'forever', like a life sentence. Let me ask you a few questions.

 

What if you were the person with spinal stenosis and thus some functional limitations, which your husband of decades helped with. And then you have a stroke, and many more limitations come upon you, and you turn from a wife and helpmeet to an angry abusive woman. Do you think your husband would put up with you?

 

Just asking you to look at your situation from a gender role perspective. Do you feel as though this is your fate, to put up with his anger, and all the work you have to do for him and for you, because .... why?  In the fine print of the marriage contract it says "you will martyr yourself if the husband becomes gravely ill"? 

 

First place i would go would be to his doctor, with him, and simply say, 'since the stroke, he has become very angry and unhappy. What would you suggest, doc?'  There are medications for agitation, for depression, for confusion, any of which may be a result of the stroke. If the doc can't answer the question, then look for a geriatric psychiatrist. 

 

What about a behavioral approach? If he's angry, do you need to hop to it? Or can you say, I will do as you ask if you use a nicer tone of voice. Or, if he simply can't help it, hire someone to help: i bet his behavior improves once it's not his wife whom he's yelling at.

 

Have you considered taking him to one of your 4 children's homes? Park him on the porch and say, have fun, i'll be back in about 4 hours?

 

Living in hell is pretty awful. what are you willing to do to get out of hell?

 

Jane

Info Seeker
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎05-17-2017

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 4 of 264 (166 Views)

Hi, my name is Linda and I have been a caregiver to my husband for the past 44 yrs, but a health caregiver for the past 3 yrs. My husband suffered a massive Aphasia left brain stroke in November 2014. Both of our lives changed forever that fateful day. My life has went from being independent, outgoing and pretty happy and healthy to what I consider Hell on Earth.  He has physical limitations due to Spinal Stenosis, but the main caregiving is a result of his stroke.  His personality has changed 180 degrees.  He is very angry and he ONLY takes his anger out on me. To everyone else he puts up a front as if he is the kindest person around.  I am his one and only caregiver and expected to do everything for him. With the exception of dressing and bathing him. He is depressed which would account for a small portion of his anger. For those who are unaware depression is anger turned inwards. I need help as I feel lost, hopeless, helpless and certainly unloved. Anyone else dealing with a spouse with the same or similar symptoms /conditions and how do you survive?  I have no one to confide in and absolutely no help from our 4 children . I would love to be able to speak with anyone, either man or woman dealing with caregiving. Thank you 

Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 36
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 5 of 264 (366 Views)

 It a battle royal and it is exhausting, I did look for an Alanon group there is none in my town or neighbor hood, as for the conservatorship laws I think they are ridiculously I am not asking to lock him up and throw away the key I am asking to have control so I can start setting boundaries for his behavior and put him on allowance, he my not be a physical danger to him self or me blut he is an indirect physical dangerto himself he is committing suicide by alcohol and is becoming a financial danger to both of us,

GEH
Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 167
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 6 of 264 (382 Views)

g477525h wrote:

Thank You, I am seriously and I mean seriously considering doing that next time he takes the van after drinking it is in both our names, hopefully the police will let him call me to come get the van.

It is our only transport and I need it for work. Here in Texas being his first offense that I know of he may get 6 months but that would be long enough for me to do what I need to to do.

It seems it may be the only way I have to get him in front of a judge then so be it, he goes down for dui then maybe that will make it easier for me to get coplete adult guardianship over him, maybe the judge might nake that part of his probation.

 


It sounds like a battle royale. And exhausting.

I'm not an attorney, but i'm pretty sure that you can't just get guardianship over a combative very sick person who's made bad choices, UNLESS two physicians say he's incompetent to make either health or financial decisions (two different determinations.)  I went through a training to investigate claims of 'harm to self and others' for the purpose of committing someone to mental health care, and the proof you have to come up with is pretty intense. People have the 'right' to make really dumb choices. The only time the state steps in is if he is a danger to himself or others and that is very strictly defined. Do you have an attorney? They are not cheap: perhaps your friendship network has a lawyer in it? If you have a faith community, maybe there's one there. You could ask about the process of guardianship. But i really think taking away his keys is the best thing, and then dealing with his Royal Orneriness becomes less of a threat. Death by car is not a good choice. As you know.

 

I'm serious about you finding an Alanon group. Everyone there has been through some version of this with an alcoholic. It's free (a dollar donation is suggested) and it's good stuff.

 

Keep talking. We're here.

 

Jane

Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎04-26-2017

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 7 of 264 (404 Views)

Thank You, I am seriously and I mean seriously considering doing that next time he takes the van after drinking it is in both our names, hopefully the police will let him call me to come get the van.

It is our only transport and I need it for work. Here in Texas being his first offense that I know of he may get 6 months but that would be long enough for me to do what I need to to do.

It seems it may be the only way I have to get him in front of a judge then so be it, he goes down for dui then maybe that will make it easier for me to get coplete adult guardianship over him, maybe the judge might nake that part of his probation.

 

Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 167
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 8 of 264 (455 Views)

ginaherms wrote:

No there are no other souces I have looked I have even tried to find an attorney to help me get adult guardianship so I can set something boundaries on his drinking, the way he talks to me ect but none will help me. Recently I had to take him to ER with chest pains turns out he has pneumonia and get left er ama before talking to Dr so he did not get the scrip for antibiotics. He has appointment with PC physician next week we have all the reports from er. In the last 2 weeks he has

ran 2 red lights yes he was dui, yes want out in the worst way at times but he has no one else, I figure I could probably file for divorce but by the time I go thru the divorce courts and all the ugliness he will probably have died, and I still love my husband and all I want to do is take care if him and his best interest therefore mine, I have taken steps to take some control we had an unauthorized charge to my bank account so they cancelled that card which happened to be the one he had they sent a new card I took that virgin card put on all the utility accounts my aarp subscrip auto insurance ect and then locked it up, I have taken a position box and next I plan to order a new card for his direct Express card and cancel the one he has, I will give him $415 of the cash we get from renting rooms and that us his for the month when it's gone it gone get gets $830 a month SSD so the cash I am giving him is half of that his check will pay rent and part of the electric bill my pay check will pick up the rest of the utility bills ect and what's left if the cash will go to the car payment and husband can lump it or like it. I also plan to get my name on utility bills rental agreement is already in my name and rental agreement with our 2 roomies is in my name. Wether he likes it or not he needs me and not just financially and he has created a situation where I need him  I have accepted that my husband has decided he wants to commit suicide by alcohol nothing I can do about it so things need to change so that I can prepare financiallly for his passing and the loss of his SSD benefits and be able to manuver myself into a position to be there for his 3 granddaughters should the situation arise the face ending up in the system that's a whole other story 

 

 

 


Hey, Gina,

What a hot mess. Well, one thing i think you could do is call the police when he is drinking and driving so he'll stop doing that. What you do NOT want is him hitting someone and hurting/killing them. I am an addictions counselor now, and he'd be arrested and hopefully given the option to divert his sentence into alcohol treatment on probation. i work with a bunch of these folks. I run a DUI group. With the threat of jail, i've seen some serious alcoholics get sober. 

 

that's one option.

I also counsel meth users. Tough crowd. 

 

There is help out there for you, even if he's a stubborn old coot sick with the serious and often fatal disease of alcoholism, and the free version of help is Alanon. Do check it out. 

 

And keep talking.

 

Jane

Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 36
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 9 of 264 (488 Views)

Granddaughter story is husband son started doing meth and may be selling it bailed on babies mana she wants the world to support her and the kids lost public assistance because she won't do job search thing see where that's going, There was a movie with Clint Eastwood every way but loose that is how I feel stretched every which way but loose

 

GEH
Silver Conversationalist
Posts: 36
Registered: ‎08-28-2016

Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

Message 10 of 264 (492 Views)

No there are no other souces I have looked I have even tried to find an attorney to help me get adult guardianship so I can set something boundaries on his drinking, the way he talks to me ect but none will help me. Recently I had to take him to ER with chest pains turns out he has pneumonia and get left er ama before talking to Dr so he did not get the scrip for antibiotics. He has appointment with PC physician next week we have all the reports from er. In the last 2 weeks he has

ran 2 red lights yes he was dui, yes want out in the worst way at times but he has no one else, I figure I could probably file for divorce but by the time I go thru the divorce courts and all the ugliness he will probably have died, and I still love my husband and all I want to do is take care if him and his best interest therefore mine, I have taken steps to take some control we had an unauthorized charge to my bank account so they cancelled that card which happened to be the one he had they sent a new card I took that virgin card put on all the utility accounts my aarp subscrip auto insurance ect and then locked it up, I have taken a position box and next I plan to order a new card for his direct Express card and cancel the one he has, I will give him $415 of the cash we get from renting rooms and that us his for the month when it's gone it gone get gets $830 a month SSD so the cash I am giving him is half of that his check will pay rent and part of the electric bill my pay check will pick up the rest of the utility bills ect and what's left if the cash will go to the car payment and husband can lump it or like it. I also plan to get my name on utility bills rental agreement is already in my name and rental agreement with our 2 roomies is in my name. Wether he likes it or not he needs me and not just financially and he has created a situation where I need him  I have accepted that my husband has decided he wants to commit suicide by alcohol nothing I can do about it so things need to change so that I can prepare financiallly for his passing and the loss of his SSD benefits and be able to manuver myself into a position to be there for his 3 granddaughters should the situation arise the face ending up in the system that's a whole other story 

 

 

 

GEH