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Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 160
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 1 of 14 (141 Views)

Depends on what you mean by 'geriatric helper'.   Do try the caregiving resources on aarp.org; they are very carefully designed and really helpful.

 

there are a bazillion home care agencies that serve your area, i bet, unless you live in a rural area (like i do), so google stuff like "home health aide" or "certified nursing assistant" or "elder care worker" and your town or county and see what you get.

 

is that what you meant?

 

all the best and please write some more.

 

Jane

Community Manager
Posts: 1,307
Registered: ‎10-09-2007

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 2 of 14 (153 Views)

@c863044v  There is a great resource tool in our caregiving area located at http://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving

AARPTeri
Jen
Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 103
Registered: ‎11-20-2007

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 3 of 14 (171 Views)

C863044v,

Do you mean help within your home? 

We have a really great widget on our Caregiving Resource Center that may be able to help. 

You will see it on the right of the page. It's called "Find Senior Care Near You." Use the arrow to drop down a menu of options. Put in your zipcode and a new window will pop up providing you with search results. Please let me know if this helped or did not. We always are looking for ways to better help our caregivers. 

Thank you!

Jen

AARPJen
Caregiving Concierge
Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎03-25-2017

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 4 of 14 (227 Views)
Where do you find a geriatric helper.I have similar issues and could use some help.I live in Ohio.
Highlighted
Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 160
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 5 of 14 (329 Views)

grandmabuz wrote:

This is very similar to my situation.  My husband is 80, is blind in one eye and has kidney and heart disease.  He won't do anything for himself. I dress him, cook for him, get him coffee, water whatever he wants.  He has no interests anymore other than his dog and NASCAR.  He sits in his chair, pets the dog, watches TV and gripes.  He wants to be taken somewhere every day.  I can't keep up with housework, let the dog in and out, and drive him around.  He had his heart attack 2 1/2 years ago and his decline has been gradual but has increased in the last year.  I'm burned out, angry and have had severe upper resperatory illness for some time.  I'm 72 and he's 80.  I'm sure stress plays a large part of my illness and anger.  I attended an Alzheimers support group last fall.  Most of the other attendees said I should put him in a home.  He would HATE it and would fight it tooth and nail.

 

What can I do?  Any coping suggestions?


Hi Grandmabuz,

There are a great many options that don't include putting him in a home.

Do you have money to pay for a helper / driver / companion? 

Whether or not you have money to pay for such a person, are there any other family members who could be with him, take him out, watch NASCAR with him? Any buddies he used to work with/ bowl with (i know, how quaint but you never know), from church or temple, from the Army? I dunno, anybody?

Why do you have to do everything for him?

You could gently go on strike. You help him put on his clothes, and then you do what you need to do. Time for bed? He can sleep in his clothes. If he physically CANNOT change himself, how about putting him in those track suits: he can sleep in them and then wear them for a few days until they need washed.

Who made you chauffeur? Maid, cook, companion, bill payer....

Do what you would do for yourself and hire folks to be with him. Cheaper than assisted living.

 

Okay, i'm putting a lot out here. Tell me why you can't do these things?

You are a wife, not a slave.

 

Jane

Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎03-16-2017

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 6 of 14 (414 Views)
Wow. What wonderful advice for us all. Thank you, Jane. Lots to digest, and much to give some hope. Thank you.
Carole
Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎04-11-2013

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 7 of 14 (516 Views)

I'm a 59 year old caregiver by profession, but only for about 2 years now. I am learning first hand what aging does to a person, both physically and mentally. I'm only with my client 3 days of the week, but it is 24/7 consecutively and it is very stessful, to say the least. I commend those of you who care for parents and spouses everyday, all day. You may not be aware that insurance may cover some outside caregiver assistance if it is deemed necessary by their doctor. And if not, as was suggested by some of the other ecommenter's, you could find someone to provide respite care so you can take a break for a few hours a day or week. There are websites that can help you find someone to do just that. Care.com is one and sittercity.com, another. I hope that you find a solution that works for you.

Info Seeker
Posts: 2
Registered: ‎02-19-2010

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 8 of 14 (528 Views)

This is very similar to my situation.  My husband is 80, is blind in one eye and has kidney and heart disease.  He won't do anything for himself. I dress him, cook for him, get him coffee, water whatever he wants.  He has no interests anymore other than his dog and NASCAR.  He sits in his chair, pets the dog, watches TV and gripes.  He wants to be taken somewhere every day.  I can't keep up with housework, let the dog in and out, and drive him around.  He had his heart attack 2 1/2 years ago and his decline has been gradual but has increased in the last year.  I'm burned out, angry and have had severe upper resperatory illness for some time.  I'm 72 and he's 80.  I'm sure stress plays a large part of my illness and anger.  I attended an Alzheimers support group last fall.  Most of the other attendees said I should put him in a home.  He would HATE it and would fight it tooth and nail.

 

What can I do?  Any coping suggestions?

Bronze Conversationalist
Posts: 22
Registered: ‎04-23-2016

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 9 of 14 (598 Views)

I think you have gotten good advice thus far. Go for therapy or use a geriatric care manager. Set limits with your husband. Feel empowered to care for yourself.

 

But there's an issue that is alluded to in your questions and the replies that needs greater clarification. Surely, the more you overfunction for him, the more he'll underfunction for himself and place greater demands on you. We can think of this as a social or relational aspect of what is going on. But there's also basic biology at work here. Your husband has very significant cardiovascular disease. In addition to the TIA and heart attacks, I imagine he has had years of silent strokes and microinfarcts that compromise his cognitive functioining, including undermining his capacities to empathize with you and to take initiative for himself. As a consequence, he is probably not capable of responding to you with appreciation or by being less needy. If that is the case, then you have to set limits on what you do for him without seeking his approval; he will never have the insight to see its wisdom. You have to make good judgements for the two of you and that includes better pacing yourself so that you don't utterly burn out. Ignore his barbs; do what's right for the two of you.

 

Because he can't say this to you himself, it is all the more important that we community members say it to you: He is lucky to have you in his corner. You are doing a very good job. Be good to yourself.--Barry Jacobs, co-author of AARP Meditations for Caregivers

Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎03-12-2017

Re: I am angry at my husband.

Message 10 of 14 (621 Views)

Hi,

I can relate to how you are feeling.  My husband and I were also best friends before he had his stroke.  He at times, didnt back me up when it came to my brotrhers or his kids which made things very complicated.  But all of his good qualities totally out weighed that issue.  But since his stroke he has also became very clingy and needy.  Want me to stop and sit or go to bed at 7 or 8 pm and i am no where near able to go to bed before midnite with everything i have to do.  He ended up having to go back to the nursing facility due to health issues so I sat with him one day and told him that when he comes back home that i want to sit with the home health nurse and we discuss what chores he will be responsible for and what i will be responsible for.  His response was I dont think theres much i am able to do.  My response was you can fold clothes, you can help with dinner and dishes, you can put clothes away, fill and empty the washer and dryer.  heck you could even vacuum and if its nice outside, you might not be able to mow the grass but you can pull weeds.    then he was like oh....hmmm i guess so.  Since that discussion he has had a little change of heart and doesnt treat me near as bad  as he was.  we will see how long it lasts.   Caregivers are special people and for my husband, its hard because i know its not the man i know.  Its a direct result of the stroke but it doesnt make it hurt any less.  Sometimes frustrates me more.  I have spent more nights crying in the last 3-4 months than i have my whole life.  Hang in there and the best advice.......take care of you and dont feel bad or guilty.  I finally learned how to do that  a little and it is very therapeutic.  Take Care