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Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 225
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Caregiving for non complies diabetic spouse

Message 1 of 8 (246 Views)

judy1704 wrote:

To be honest, I really don't know where to begin. Where would be the best place to help me figure out how I can start to repair my self esteem, confidence and break this isolation I've found myself in?  I've never had the ability to make friends much and have always been a loner, a total introvert.

Judy 


Hey there, it's only 930pm here and my brain is still (partially) working, so i'll see if i can brainstorm a couple of ideas. Since you are 'a loner, a total introvert', i'm thinking that finding one psychotherapist to talk to is a good start. Joining a group (even if you could find a local, convenient one) might be too much. Finding a therapist means you can have an hour per week to be the center of attention, the center of your own thoughts and ideas, shared out loud with a compassionate professional. 

          Now the next step is the whole 'how to pay for this' bit. If you have Medicare and a regular (non HMO) secondary insurance, then you're probably looking for a licensed clinical social worker. Social Workers provide about 2/3rds of all the mental health care in the US, even though psychologists and psychiatrists get more attention. There are far fewer of them and they are more expensive. I'd suggest you ask around for ideas for a therapist but if you are isolated, you will find it hard to find someone to ask. There are lots of ways to search for them, including the national association of social workers or the Psychotherapy Networker. 

        If you have private insurance and no medicare (you said you are retired but you still may have only private insurance) then you can look up therapists online with your insurance card. Even though the therapists you find may say they are accepting new patients, that isn't necessarily so.

       If you have an HMO like Kaiser Permanente, then you can go through their services to find a therapist. This is the easiest way.

       You can google "psychotherapist" and then your city, town, or county, or even neighborhood if it's a big city. And see who pops up.

       I'm working as a therapist now, and am new to rural oregon so i did some poking around. When i find a therapist on a list of providers, i then google them and see if they have a web site of their own. Whether they do or not doesn't necessarily mean they are good or bad therapists: more an indication of web savviness. But, if they have a facebook page or web site, i can learn more about the kind of person they are, and the kind of clinician they are. 

       Then you'll have to get out of your comfort zone and make some calls: leave messages or maybe get the therapist on the first try, and say, I am a caregiver and i'm pretty isolated. I'm looking for counseling to help me work on myself and learn how to nurture myself better... or some such language.

        Does this make sense?

         I think perhaps your goal for the next year could be to make one friend. Or rekindle an old friendship that has been lying fallow. Even if it is a long distance friend, from years ago. Sometimes, through facebook, people find long lost roommates from college or lovely neighbors from several moves back. Being a friend is a bit of a trick, as you don't want to overwhelm people with neediness right off the bat. You want to offer friendship as well as receive it. But friendship can be a holy grace and deep blessing. And it may take some time.

       I also wonder if you might be willing to visit a faith community. The Unitarian Universalists are the least formal, or among the least, and very welcoming of all sorts. If it's 'smells and bells' you want, perhaps an Episcopal Church. If you are Jewish, try a reform place or a conservative place and what they heck, check out a service. Wait for a holiday if you like. There are likely to be all kinds of caregivers in a place of worship. But if its not your thing, 'organized religion' i mean, that's okay too. They just have sort of an instant community quality about them if you're open to it.

 

okay now i have to go to bed. i hope others will chime in. what do you think?

Hang in there Judy.

 

Jane

Info Seeker
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎01-19-2012

Re: Caregiving for non complies diabetic spouse

Message 2 of 8 (261 Views)

To be honest, I really don't know where to begin. Where would be the best place to help me figure out how I can start to repair my self esteem, confidence and break this isolation I've found myself in?  I've never had the ability to make friends much and have always been a loner, a total introvert.

Judy 

Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 225
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Caregiving for non complies diabetic spouse

Message 3 of 8 (268 Views)

judy1704 wrote:

Thanks for the response. I really could not leave him. I've just been having a hard time lately. I need to make some changes in myself. I'm not an outgoing person at all, and since I retired, I've really closed myself off. I'm looking into what I need to find help. It's great to know there are folks who care..Thanks.


Judy, thank you for coming back. Of course you've had a hard time. Tell us what you think would be helpful and we can make suggestions on how to find that kind of help.  We do indeed care. And closing yourself is one of the biggest problems that caregivers have: isolation.

 

You are worth it.

 

Jane

Info Seeker
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎01-19-2012

Re: Caregiving for non complies diabetic spouse

Message 4 of 8 (287 Views)

Thanks, I truly do need some help. I retired and since have closed off to others.  Now, I find myself  with extremely low self esteem and no confidence in myself. I have decided to look into some kind of professional help. I have no friends and family is definitely not an option. I came to realize how much I do need the help.

Info Seeker
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎01-19-2012

Re: Caregiving for non complies diabetic spouse

Message 5 of 8 (291 Views)

Thanks for the response. I really could not leave him. I've just been having a hard time lately. I need to make some changes in myself. I'm not an outgoing person at all, and since I retired, I've really closed myself off. I'm looking into what I need to find help. It's great to know there are folks who care..Thanks.

Info Seeker
Posts: 3
Registered: ‎01-22-2012

Re: Caregiving for non complies diabetic spouse

Message 6 of 8 (304 Views)

No, please do not leave. He needs you more than ever. He is suffering inside and probably cannot express himself  as he would like to. I understand how you must feel. Hang in there. He needs you more than ever. I, too am in a similiar situation. . Take up a hobby. Try to go out with friends and live your life accordingly.. It will help a lot .

Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 225
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Caregiving for non complies diabetic spouse

Message 7 of 8 (392 Views)

judy1704 wrote:

My spouse simply doesn't care about his eating. His health has suffered.  He has to use braces to walk and drops everything due to the neuropathy.  His memory is getting real bad. He has not a clue how to help me emotionally and I am drowning. I want to just leave, but I could never do that. I've told him things he could do to help, but to no avail. He says he loves me, but doesn't show it in any actions.

I'm drowning 


Hi Judy! Time to get a life line, and it doesn't have your husband at the other end. I am so sorry you feel like you're drowning. Your husband is declining and some of that is his fault, but some of it is the luck of the draw, genetics, the fact that unhealthy food is subsidized by our government, i mean really do we need 100 kinds of doritos? He may not have a clue about how to support you emotionally and that probably has nothing to do with his diabetes. We don't really encourage "Emotional Intelligence" in the male of the species, and then we, all of us, expect our husbands or sons or fathers to figure out what we need AND meet that need. 

Obviously this strategy is not working.

So.

Where else can you find support? Do you belong to a faith community? You could start a group for caregivers. Or a group for diabetics and their loved ones and get an entire group going to encourage good behavior and provide tips, support, cajoling. But mostly support. Is there a pastor or deacon or pastoral care person could meet with?

How about considering seeing a therapist? i don't know what i'd have done if i didn't have a therapist when my mother was ill. talk about noncompliant. she was a life long christian scientist and would not see any doctor ever, period, end of discussion. after becoming sicker and sicker, she eventually died, at the age of 55. Now I'm 58. It's hard to fathom how easily she gave up the last years of her life. 

Therapists can be found at county mental health departments first off. I work in one now, and we take all insurances and have a sliding scale. We are a motley, wise, eccentric group of clinicians, all of us wanting to help our fellow community members. Consider this?

Any friends, relatives, or other trusted souls you could confide in, get support from?

No need to drown. Being a martyr is not a necessary part of your vows to love in sickness and in health. Truly. I've looked at the fine print myself.

 

So please write back, write more, what have you tried, what nourishes you, keeps you going?  Please get some help. Please.

 

Jane

also a noncompliant diabetic, full disclosure...

Info Seeker
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎01-19-2012

Caregiving for non complies diabetic spouse

Message 8 of 8 (419 Views)

My spouse simply doesn't care about his eating. His health has suffered.  He has to use braces to walk and drops everything due to the neuropathy.  His memory is getting real bad. He has not a clue how to help me emotionally and I am drowning. I want to just leave, but I could never do that. I've told him things he could do to help, but to no avail. He says he loves me, but doesn't show it in any actions.

I'm drowning