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Respected Social Butterfly
Posts: 1,818
Registered: ‎02-01-2008

Re: It's Over

Message 11 of 31 (332 Views)

Demetria I am so sorry that you feel so terrible.    I have found that books  & websites which deal with death & dying to be of enormous help. 

vita umbratilis
Super Social Butterfly
Posts: 685
Registered: ‎01-23-2008

Re: It's Over

Message 12 of 31 (337 Views)

Demetria I also thought this video about grief and loss might be helpful for you...

 

Hugs, 

Amy 

Super Social Butterfly
Posts: 685
Registered: ‎01-23-2008

Re: It's Over

Message 13 of 31 (339 Views)

Demetria I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can imagine how must feel - when my Mom died I felt completely frozen and numb and the grief was so overwhelming. I, too, took her to the hospital never dreaming she wouldn't come home. 

 

I'm glad to hear you are taking your meds - that's so important as this is hard enough time as it is. You don't need health crisis to make it harder. Right now just do the next thing. Whatever you need to do next. Try not to think too far ahead. Be gentle with yourself...

 

Are you getting any grief support? Caregivers are so often at risk of "complicated grief" that is harder than usual to get through and is extreme. Your mom as such a huge part of your life. Life after caregiving can be really tricky as our roles change and we try to figure out what to do with ourselves. Try to maintain some of your usual routines - the ones that don't feel too painful. Don't let anyone rush you - there is no set time period or way of grieving. 

 

I hope you get some support for your grief - here are a few places you can look for help:

This is a very emotional time for you so please be careful. If you feel suicidal please please reach out for help immediately - remember these numbers to call: Natl Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 or National Hopeline Network 1-800-442-4673.

 

When you are ready, you might channel your energies into doing something to memorialize your mom. Anything from planting flowers or a tree to creating a scrapbook to making her favorite meal to creating a photo pin with her photo on it to watching her favorite movie or creating a scholarship fund in her name. Whatever feels good to you.

 

Thinking of you and praying for your peace. Heart

Conversationalist
Posts: 10
Registered: ‎11-21-2016

It's Over

Message 14 of 31 (344 Views)

Hi guys,

Well it happened. My Mom passed away on Feb, 1st, 2017. She was in so much pain. We went to the ER again 3 nights before then. It never occured to me that she wouldn't come home. On my God! She was coherent enough to decide that she didn't want anymore surgery. The risk was too high that she would'nt live through it and if she did there would be no quality of life. She called the whole family around her and said her good-byes. Then 3 days later she went peacefully to sleep.

 

Her chair is empty. I am truly alone. I haven't been in her room. I am taking care of her financial affairs because I have to. I am so messed up that I couldn't do the Eulogy at the memorial service. I am so screwed up. I feel so guilty about being so selfish. She is out of all of that pain from so many fatal diaseaes that she was carrying the load from. She is free. 

 

I have spent so much of my time with her that I don't know what to do now. I just sit here.I don't eat, I don't sleep. I take my bi-polar meds and my insulin and I sit. God it hurts so much. My heart is broken. 

Demetria

Demetria Carter
Conversationalist
Posts: 10
Registered: ‎11-21-2016

Re: Alone Caregiver Barely Hanging On

Message 15 of 31 (653 Views)

Hi Debra!

Thanks for sharing with me. It was so nice to get your response. You are one strong woman! You really make me feel like I CAN keep pushing through. What you are doing is incredible. Us caregivers don't realize how incredible we are do we?!

 

I am having a better day today. Last week my mom had surgery on Monday and again on Friday.

Both unplanned Both for her fistula to try and do dialysis for her kidney failure. It was awlful. I hardly slept all week and my health was completely out of whack.

 

Today for the first time in 10 months her 4 hour dialysis treatment went correctly! what a stress relief for me!  10 mionths is a long time to be stuck in a long dark tunnel, but today, today I smiled!

Hang on! Thanks again for reaching out to me!

Hope to talk Soon!

Demetria

 

Demetria Carter
Conversationalist
Posts: 10
Registered: ‎11-21-2016

Re: Alone Caregiver Barely Hanging On

Message 16 of 31 (656 Views)
I so agree! Thanks for reading my mind and saying it out loud!
Demetria Carter
Trusted Social Butterfly
Posts: 6,696
Registered: ‎02-14-2008

Re: Alone Caregiver Barely Hanging On

Message 17 of 31 (647 Views)

"...Jane   venting a bit of frustration here....".

 

Yes. You always post caring and excellent posts to the many posters experiencing some major issues. But yes, a few more people need to take some responsibility and do some advance planning and put some thought into what might happen in their future.... 


“The world is a book. Those who do not travel read only one page.”
Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 159
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Alone Caregiver Barely Hanging On

Message 18 of 31 (630 Views)

LaDolceVita wrote:

Seems there are a lot of elderly parents who do not want outside help!!  I do not feel so alone reading these posts.


Almost all of the clients i've worked with in home hospice care and when i was a geriatric care manager. we'll all in denial about something, and all but very few hold onto independence with the fierceness of the life force itself. what i sincerely wish is that older folks with disabilities would be MORE independent if they allowed for some help. they would be more IN CONTROL if they completed advance directives like living wills and CONSCIOUSLY chose someone to act as financial or health care proxies instead of letting the law or 'next of kin' determine who makes those decisions. Their family would be MORE DEVOTED AND INVOLVED if the burden of caregiving was shared more equitably among siblings and other family members AND paid caregivers. Elders are missing out...

 

Jane

venting a bit of frustration here

Respected Social Butterfly
Posts: 1,818
Registered: ‎02-01-2008

Re: Alone Caregiver Barely Hanging On

Message 19 of 31 (711 Views)

Seems there are a lot of elderly parents who do not want outside help!!  I do not feel so alone reading these posts.

vita umbratilis
Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 159
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Alone Caregiver Barely Hanging On

Message 20 of 31 (702 Views)

Debra writes: “ I can understand what you are going thru and often feel as though I am alone.  My 78 year old Mom has been in and out of hospitals since May of 2016 due to diabetes and then numerous UTI's. In October, they found a 6 cm mass above her left kidney. Her and my 85 year old Dad are both living at my apartment.  I lost my job due to excessive absence (resulting from Mom's numerous hospital stays).  I am the only child and sole means of transportation, etc.  Like you I am bi-polar and also suffer from high blood pressure & high cholesterol.  I have no insurance any longer and cannot afford to buy right now.  With that being said, I have put my health on hold.”

**************

Hi Debra!  This is Jane. Are you able to get unemployment? I trust your parents’ social security is helping you to pay your bills. But, I’m worried that you don’t have insurance right now. I hope you can pay your pharmacy expenses. Because you know how important it is to take your medications. I need mine, too. I’m on COBRA which is super expensive but until my current job gives me benefits, I have to pay. I’m on psychotropics and a statin and diabetic meds… PLEASE don’t put your health on hold for too long!!!  

**************

“I am trying to start my own company so I can work from home but it's hard.  Over the next few weeks, I have to take them to the following dr appointments.  Dermatologists for my Dad to have a cancerous growth removed, Cardiologists prior to my Dad having cataract surgery, biopsy of a 6 cm mass above my Mom's left kidney (last week was a colonoscopy) and then follow up visits with Oncologists after the biopsy.  Cataract surgery for my Dad's left eye, with right eye to follow a month later.  It's so hard to have a positive attitude as I get up and cook 3 meals a day, clean the kitchen after each meal, wash clothes, and somehow try and take care of me.  My parents are the same as your Mom, they do not want at home health care, only me.  I have been so angry lately and simply at my wits end.  I cannot even go and visit with friends for longer than a few hours and they are calling.  We must take care of ourselves though, somehow, someway.  Just know you are not alone.  Big Hugs from Texas!  Debra Largent “

*****

Dear Debra, Please please go out with your friends. You are very busy, yes. But you will become even MORE resentful and exhausted, AND your health will suffer.  Did your parents sometimes leave you with a sitter, at day care, with family, so that they could get a break, when you were young?  They may prefer only you but that is not possible given all that they need.

If you go onto www.eldercare.gov and type in your zip code you can find the agency who’s sole purpose is to help people like yourself and your folks get the help they need. They may be eligible for Medicaid which would then pay for home health care. Transportation to doctor appointments. Perhaps medical day care. You can’t do all of this by yourself indefinitely.

Sincerely,

Worried Jane